The Christian Adult Child

I can only share what has worked for me.

Here are some cardinal rules that I have learned by experience (and the hard way lol!). I am speaking in the first person (not comfortable saying “hey, you do this this and this!”)

1. Be gentle. Stop when I get overwhelmed. Take gentleness breaks. (I read 150 pages straight through of the Big Red Book. I attended Codependent Anonymous, Workaholics Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Loving Parent Guidebook meetings. I felt safety in accruing intellectual knowledge. I read near bed time. I had nightmares. It was scary. I now ask myself, “what do I need today?”. Then, it was to attend these meetings, it felt like it gave me grip on what was happening to me in this healing process. Because I wasn’t taught regulation, I bounce from extreme everything, to extreme nothing now. I had to go through that experience to arrive at a gentle approach.
2. Incorporate mind, body and spirit connections (not just mind, not just body)
3. Realize that as memories come up, I will lean on past-coping mechanisms (shopping, food regulation, isolation, codependency, workaholism) and that’s okay
4. Set “check-in” reminders on my phone to check how I am feeling, if I am hungry, if I am thirsty, if I need to go to the bathroom or if I need to pray
5. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. My life growing up didn’t permit me to sleep regularly, enough and uninterrupted. I had to comfort myself in telling myself I am worth being nourished. (Quick story: I was encouraged by my naturopath to sleep 9 hours, from 10:00 pm – 7:00 am. I felt great! A couple days later, the Inner Critic thought, “well how little do you need to still feel okay-ish?” Then, I tested 8.5 hours, 8 hours, 7 hours…then fell back into my erratic sleep patterns. I was afraid to be nourished. I was afraid to feel good. I fell off the wagon…and I got back on :))

When I do my “check-ins”, I used this feelings wheel from ACA. I say it outloud. It feels powerful to hear my own voice outside of myself and not just in my head.

One time I was sharing something with my therapist and she said,

what is sad for me, is that you are telling me this sad story with the most beautiful smile on your face. Our goal, is for the outside to match the inside.

my therapist

Wow. Our outside to match the inside…what a thought. As a child, it didn’t feel safe to display anger. There is something called “reaction abuse”. I realized as a child, I had “healthy” reactions such as anger and sadness to the acts of my alcoholic father, and my emotions weren’t validated. I was in fact, called selfish. This is reaction abuse.

I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:4 KJV